“Many Women Are Just Not Submissive”

I was scrolling on TikTok, when a podcast excerpt found me. A man lamenting bitterly about how women these days "aren't submissive anymore." Sorry o, Pharaoh.

An alarm went off in my head. The kind that usually sends me down a research rabbit hole at midnight, as though I'm defending my Masters thesis again.

Now see, I already knew what I'd find as I am intimately conversant with the character of the Lord Jesus as well as the institutions He has created and His leadership style and samples. I am also quite familiar with the corruptive and conquest-seeking nature of man and how he innately seeks to dominate over the next person, by any means necessary, so the story basically writes itself.

Here is my summation: If a man desires a "submissive woman," he's well within his God-given right. However, that is not what the Bible instructs women to be. Mr. Want-A-Submissive-Woman is expressing a desire for a personality type. Look up "submissive" as a character trait and you'll get some version of meek, compliant, easily managed, unresisting. That's a natural temperament for some people. It's the same word you'd use for a dog that doesn't bark at strangers. It describes an absence of resistance, not a presence of virtue. That, and the instruction to "submit" are two completely different conversations.

So what does the Bible say?

It Begins With The Man

Unfortunately, every time this topic comes up, we start in the wrong place; with the woman, which is absolutely insane, but again as I am well acquainted with humans, doesn't surprise me.

Submission, as a posture, is genderless. Men submit to (respect) their bosses and we call it professionalism. Men submit to (respect) their mothers and we call them good sons. Submission as a posture simply means: do you respect authority.

If a man desires the position of authority as a husband, the question starts with him, not her. Is he able to lead well? Is his internal regulation healthy? Does he have direction? Has he been tested and tried? Does he have accountability systems? Is he able to lead in a way worth aligning under?…You don't get to skip to chapter two. Chapter one is all you, baby.

What The Word Actually Says

The Greek word is hupotassō. It shows up in Ephesians 5:22, the verse everybody quotes. Except "submit" isn't actually in that verse in the original text. It's borrowed from the verse before it, which tells all believers to submit to one another (again, posture not personality) out of reverence for Christ. Every single one of us. Not wives.

Hupotassō is a military term before it's anything else. Hupo means under, tassō means to arrange into formation. Soldiers organizing themselves under a leader for maximum efficiency. It's about structure within an organization. In the New Testament, its use almost always appears in the Greek middle voice, meaning the person does it to themselves; It's chosen. Never imposed.

I'll say that again, it is chosennnnnn, never imposeeeeed.

There's another word for submit though, hupakouō, which means to obey unconditionally, with zero negotiation. This version is certainly what gets the average African uncles going 😂. It's the word used for underage children obeying parents in Colossians 3, four verses away. Wives are never told to hupakouō. Paul had that word sitting right there and chose not to use it for marriage. That's not an accident.

If a man is seeking a wife for childlike, unconditional obedience, he's not asking for a marriage according to the biblical order. He's looking for a dependent, someone to finally be able to dominate over. Someone he can finally tell shut up, as he's had no experience in the real world with power and no opportunity to oppress his fellow man. A grown woman's agency isn't supposed to get surrendered at the altar. That's not submission, that's a hostile takeover; it is a strategic operation to take the light out of a woman's eyes.

Why Quiet Is Easier To Manage

I think I have some insight into why a lot of men seek out submissiveness as a personality trait under the guise of 'The Bible says you must'. It is much easier to hide a lack of character in front of someone who isn't allowed to notice it.

The best leaders go looking for teammates who challenge them, people who know more than they do in certain rooms, and they're not threatened by it because their own character can handle being questioned and they welcome it. Weak leaders do the opposite. They go looking for people smaller than them, because standing next to someone small is the only way they get to feel tall. That's not leadership, that's an optical illusion. And a marriage built on the same logic isn't a household, it's a stage set for one person's ego.

Submission isn't meant to describe who a woman is. It's meant to describe what two people do, together, by agreement. It's the same kind of cooperation any of us bring to a team at work. Nobody calls an employee submissive for taking direction well. We call that being a good teammate. The man is given the position of leading the ship in a marriage, but a ship still needs a crew that thinks for itself, and leading a ship is not the same assignment as demanding a temperament from the person next to you.

A Word To The Women

Choose your team leader clinically. Not romantically, clinically, like you're vetting someone for one of the most important roles of your life. Because you are.

Think about how little of your life you actually get to pick the authority over you. You didn't choose your father. Most people don't choose their boss. Even your pastor was often assigned by geography. This is the one seat you fill on purpose, the one authority you get to interview and select yourself.

And here's how I suggest you audit it. Firstly, through his already existing relationships, especially with women, before any title is on the table. Does he defer to the women he considers his equals or superiors, or does he resent them. How does he treat the women he actually leads. Does he undermine anyone he perceives as "bigger" than him, or does he respect the position without needing to compete with it.

In addition to that, proof of submission on both sides to actual leadership is also non-negotiable. Does he answer to a pastor. Does he take correction from an elder without disappearing or getting defensive. Does he have a mentor, and does he actually listen to him. That's one of the safest measures you have, because people don't invent character after 'I Do'. They arrive with whatever they already practiced.

And remember, if you don't work at Chipotle, the manager of Chipotle is not your boss. Until he's officially appointed your team leader, he is not your team leader :)